but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
