so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
