I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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