sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
