I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
