Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
