He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
