Will you blow on my dice?
i love accidental penises.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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