god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
