Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i wish my penis had a tongue
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
