I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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