Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
