hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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