I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
