There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
