I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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