I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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