Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
