If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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