Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
