People in love make me want to vomit
Girls should come with a carfax report
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
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