You work out of a Hotel?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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