i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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