Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
