last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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