I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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