im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
