Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
