Joe is yelling at the trees again.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
