Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
