Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
