It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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