Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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