Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
