i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
