nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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