I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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