AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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