Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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