drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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