I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
