Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
