We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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