Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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