we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
