Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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