I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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