i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
