You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize