Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
