drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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