She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
