i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Randomize
