The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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