Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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