First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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